As mammals, we are born with a yearning for human contact. From the day of our formation as embryos to the period just after our birth, we had close bodily contact with our mothers and a tactile reward by the way we were fed (i.e., lactation). When we talk about attachment in psychology, we mainly refer to the work of Bowlby and Ainsworth. Their research showed that as infants we have a need to develop trust and a sense of security, with a primary caregiver, to teach us social and survival skills. Depending on the relationship between the child and the caregiver, the child may develop one of those four patterns of attachment:

• secure (when parents or other caregivers are available, sensitive, responsive, accepting –>the child learns they can express negative emotions and someone will help them)
• avoidant (when a parent has trouble accepting and responding sensitively to their child’s needs – > the child learns that their best bet is to shut down their feelings and become self-reliant)
• anxious (when parents respond to their child’s needs sporadically –> the child fails to develop any feelings of security from the attachment figure)
• disorganized (when parents show atypical behavior and they reject, ridicule, and frighten their child –>child’s strategy is disorganized and so is their resulting behavior)

Morris’s research studies of human behavior suggest that the root of intimacy lies in the fact that we crave the feeling of intimacy we had with our caregivers. He explains that after we learn all the necessary skills from our caregivers, the motivating factor to reach out for a partner to build an intimate relationship is the imprinted feeling we had as infants with our caregivers. Therefore, if we naturally know how to bond with someone and learned the necessary social skills to build relationships, why do people claim to “fail” at forming romantic relationships and building sexual intimacy? Even if we successfully “pass” the 12 courtship stages to reach pair formation and sexual arousal, why are they not enough to sustain a romantic relationship?

To answer this, we first have to investigate how attachment forms in the first place. A primary caregiver (pc) is defined as a person who understands and responds to the infant’s cues and needs. In other words, the pc is someone who makes the helpless and vulnerable infant feel emotionally understood. By repeatedly responding to the infant’s cues, the caregiver creates a sense of security, safety, and trust in the infant which allows both of them to establish a bond. Therefore, infants do not base their attachment on looks, a good CV, or social status, but rather on feelings and having the space to communicate their needs.

Even though parental attachment and romantic intimacy are recognized by and bolstered by the same feelings (i.e. sense of security and trust), we cannot directly compare them. The first attachment with our caregiver kindles and may shape the way we view romantic relationships, but it does not mean that our relationship with our mother will determine or define our romantic relationship with our partner. The reason we form a parental relationship and the reason we form a romantic relationship is different. For that reason, we logically and mistakenly confuse those two types of relationships. For example, if a romantic relationship mainly comes from a place of insecurity, (i.e., one of the partners emotionally depends on the other person), then it does not come from a place of pure connection. As a result, the dynamics of the relationship alienate because the role of your partner is not the same as the role of your caregiver.

You may wonder what’s the big deal if you emotionally depend on your partner. Because if for some reason that partner does not give you what you need, then “suddenly” you may find yourself being in an unhealthy relationship by grabbing onto the memories and hoping that someday your partner may give you what you “need.” It may get worse by having a hard time leaving “because s/he has something you need.” Or maybe we have the “I can’t live without him/her” scenario. If for one reason or another someone is able to feed your insecurities, then, when s/he is gone, you may enter a “panic mode” because s/he has taken your safety blanket. Where do I go with this? Being dependent and being interdependent on your partner are two different things. We depend on our parents to learn the necessary skills to become autonomous, but we interdepend on our partners to strengthen our intimacy and share moments.

So far we’ve focused on how relationships tend to fail or how they may turn into unhealthy relationships; however, we haven’t pinpointed how to mold a healthy relationship.

• Firstly, a healthy relationship starts with a relationship with yourself. It may sound cliché but if you haven’t worked on making a better version of yourself, then inevitably you sabotage yourself and risk falling into the trap of being dependent on someone else (see above).
• Learn to set your boundaries, so that you feel comfortable and have your own voice in the relationship.
• Leave some space for the other person to share common experiences
• Learn how to trust your partner. Great speech by Brene Brown on the anatomy of trust.
• Communicate. Communication is a dynamic process; meaning that it’s about expressing your needs and feelings and learning how to interpret the information you receive from the other person.

As you were reading this article, you realized that there’s mental work that needs to be done; hence first you start by being patient with yourself. Having a healthy intimate relationship, especially in times of social distancing, may improve your mental health and help you discover parts of yourself. In other words, the reward is worth the effort of giving it a try. Help from a professional is highly recommended since sometimes it is challenging to understand what needs to be changed to better yourself and most importantly how to do it.